I was excited when Miriam asked me to meet her at 684 South High for a restaurant review.
While I may have been a fitness professional for half of my life, I have been eating my entire life, so I am clearly qualified to evaluate fine dining.
Just imagine all the important people I’ll see and conversation I’ll overhear. I can’t wait to get my Mad Men on and order a nice steak, some veggies and maybe broker a power-deal or two: Columbus needs more pull-up bars and less road-closing races in the name of facial hair.
You can imagine my horror when I realized I was not at the Clarmont, I wasn’t even in a real restaurant. I was in a Panera.
No big deal, it’s cool, I can handle it. Deep breaths, now order.
Me: Give me a steak sandwich, some tomato soup and some of these fine pastries.
Panerista: Would you like it in a bread bowl?
Me: (Blank Stare) Can I get an insulin pump?
Panerista: Uh, what would you like to drink sir?
Me: I’ll have water. (Panerista hands me a dixie cup) Can I get a real cup?
Panerista: Do you want some coffee?
Me: Do you have any that doesn’t smell like potpourri?
Panerista: Sorry, do you want a soft drink?
Me: Can I get a hard one?
Panerista: No, just the fountain
Me: What the hell, one little foray into softness won’t hurt, gimme a pop.
Six minutes following this moment, I felt like my mouth had been douched with corn syrup. I guess I’ll stick with coffee that tastes like a bathroom candle and a dixie cup.
When it comes to fine dining, ambiance is important: I figure why not sit down and absorb the scene. As opposed to the last time I was at this address, there were zero important people (except Tony). The only deals I overheard where in reference to the outrage of a student using damned profanity in the classroom (That arrogant little fucker, where does he get so much damn nerve? I’m sure it’s the teachers’ fault or maybe the parent’s; probably the union’s.)
A few modifications would have made the overall dining experience better. Let’s start with the foundation: the motto, “It starts with bread.” I would massage this a little bit to simplify, “It starts with Meat.” Sorry vegetarians, we’ll just agree to disagree. I respect your food choice (or lack thereof) and am kinda thankful. After all, your habits leave more bacon, eggs and animal products for me. By my standards, there was not enough steak in the Panera steak sandwich.
Next we need real beverages. Naming them soft is just a bad start, they should be hard enough to change your day, not your pancreas. Spirits and real coffee (black like night, strong like a bull) should suffice.
As for service, I can’t really say anything bad about the folks at The Ol’ Bread Time, they smiled and gave me food promptly.
Overall I realize that what happened was that Miram hates me and will probable not join my cult gym and just wanted me to feel her pain.
