April Fool’s Day: Governor Mike DeWine Embraces State’s Medical Marijuana Program
In an unexpected move, Ohio Governor Mike DeWine has decided to “fully embrace” the state’s medical marijuana program, which he announced at a press conference shortly after 4:20 p.m. on Friday. Though the Governor looked more glassy-eyed than usual, DeWine stated while snacking on a bag of Cheetos that his decision was made because he’s “totally seen the light, man” on what marijuana can do for the Ohio citizens who need it.
“It’s like a whole new world has opened up before my eyes, man,” DeWine said, licking his fingers covered in orange Cheeto dust. “Like, why was I such a square for so long, man? It doesn’t make any sense now — this shit is off the hook! I say legalize it, baby.” The governor then proceeded to toss the Cheetos into the crowd of reporters, put in some earbuds and start jamming on an imaginary air guitar.
While they certainly have not agreed on everything during DeWine’s short term so far, several Republican legislators have been quick to condemn the governor’s new stance on the issue. “Apparently he’s been staying in his office listening to Pink Floyd and the Grateful Dead for hours,” said one Republican, speaking on terms of anonymity.
“I mean this is not a good look for us at all — we already had Kasich saying he wanted ‘reunite Pink Floyd’ a few years back and had to deal with our socially conservative constituents about that,” another Republican said. “Now DeWine is acting like an Ohio University college student at a house party and we have to face this.”
In fact, former Governor John Kasich, who was accused of selling pot to Reagan campaign staffers during the 1976 election by political dirty trickster Roger Stone, was also reached for comment. “Hey, ‘Magic Mike’ is gonna do what he’s gonna do, man,” said Kasich, sounding more relaxed than usual. “Hell, I just got a new sound system here at the house, so if he wants to come by for a jam session, I’m down!”
First Lady Fran DeWine did not make a formal statement on her husband’s new marijuana stance, but did note he’s been eating more of her pie than usual.