April Fool’s Day: Ohio Lawmakers Mulling “Fart Tax” to Make up for Lower Gas Tax
In a move already being questioned by critics, the Ohio state legislature is reportedly considering an unprecedented new “fart tax” that will be forced upon Ohioans anytime they flatulate, according to sources in the statehouse. The proposal is being tossed around as a way to make up for the lower gas tax hike, ever since the statehouse reduced Governor Mike DeWine’s desired 18 cent raise to 6 cents.
Obviously, the American Civil Liberties Union and anti-tax activists are livid about the proposal. “I mean how the hell do we even put this into practice?” said Michael Sweeney of the Franklin County Libertarian Party. “The bureaucracy of having people report their own farts will be crazier than offshore bank accounts, plus it makes anyone who doesn’t report their farts a criminal. What about babies, kids and the elderly? They fart all the time!”
While many questions abound about how exactly the new “fart tax” would be enforced, proponents of it are also considering subsidiary taxes on beans, Taco Bell, White Castle and any other substance that may inhibit “gas” inside a person’s digestive system. Considering the average Ohioan flatulates at least 15 times a day, “fart tax” supporters really believe the move could help fund Ohio’s aging roads.
“If we tax about one cent per fart per Ohioan a day, then we’re looking at 15 cents a day for 365 days, which would add up to just over $54 per Ohioan a year,” said House Minority Leader Emilia Sikes, a Democrat from Akron. “That’s not too much extra per person a year and if you multiply that by the millions of people in Ohio, we’re looking at some serious fart cash.”
With cow fart regulations being recently passed in California, the idea is not entirely out of the picture. However, it’ll clearly be difficult for state legislators to pull it off in an already “anti-tax” climate. “You wanna know what I really think of it?” asked Sweeney, who then sat up and farted into this reporter’s audio recorder, “I think it stinks!”