Taco Ninja
(23:13:59) Tracey: This restaurant search thing is going to kill you.(23:14:07) Tracey: It very well could be your demise.
ColumbusUnderground presents…
Welcome to the internet. If you’re anything like me (white middle-class male age 16-35 with a broadband connection), you doubtless spend your days surfing websites like Ogrish, Achewood, The Best Website In the Universe, Mahir’s Site, Newgrounds, and FARK.
When you’re dragged away from your computer to class/job, you doubtless while the day away by doodling Trogdors onto your arm while humming Group X vs. Wesley Willis mashups. If you were to be in a wedge in the Carousel of Progress, you would be defined by Bawls-fueled LAN parties and bangbus-aware ringer t-shirts. Truly this is the greatest age yet known to man.
As a webjockey, then, you know that there is an established heirarchy for what is cool.
| Figure 1: Relative coolness (measured in kelvins)
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Recent surveys show that the average “mainstream” college student has seen 90% more of the internet than the average “computer nerd” five years ago.
Figure 2: Not pictured: “Yatta!”
Thus it was only a matter of time before OSU’s undergrad population hit critical mass and started to pull its own reality from the dream-fabric of the internet.
Here it becomes obvious that those internet architects of decades past were ahead of their time when they chose the cloud as the symbol for information being passed along the internet. For as rain falls from the insubstantial cloud, so too have the first drops of internet culture begun to drop upon the tongue of the waiting OSU student.
However, with a great metaphor comes great danger, as this rain is not the sweet ambrosia of Kate Bush’s “Cloudbusting” music video, but is rather the bitter acid rain of mediocrity hiding behind a veil of “coolness” and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Taco Ninja, then, is truly a reflection of all parts of internet culture: the good, the bad. The potential for large-scale collaboration, and the reality of people writing stories about fictional men getting pregnant.
Enough! Let this introduction to the world of the internet then serve as a warning to all those who would seek to suck at the deep-fried teat of Taco Ninja! For without a full understanding of the dangers inherent within, you might end up on a first date with a girl you thought was totally hot but who actually leaves peanut butter handprints on the wall.
Finding the Restaurant
Taco Ninja is not its own brick-and-mortar store. Rather, it exists within the gut of “The Cafe Bourbon Street” which is neither on Bourbon Street nor a Cafe. And as you’d expect a parasite to reflect the quality of its host, Taco Ninja’s quality can easily be divined from the greasy pus-filled stomach cavity in which it sops up nutrients from its bottom-feeding host.
The Atmosphere
None.
Note: the sign is for “The Wolverine Fuckers”
Alright, I’ll elaborate. First off, the door has a sign on it claiming that only those 21 and over may enter. While this may be seen as a roadblock towards poisoning your children, my housemate and I were never carded. There was a bouncer at the door taking money for whatever crappy local band was playing on the seven foot-square stage that night. However calling him a “bouncer” may be giving credit where credit is not due. I don’t know how many of you have seen the movie “Roadhouse,” but Patrick Swayze’s complete use of his limbs seemed somewhat responsible for his being the best bouncer in the country. I am not sure exactly what the problem was, and I hate to kick a man when he’s down, but the bouncer at Taco Ninja was on crutches.
Other than that, the bouncer was about what I expect from this level of a bar. Dirty denim jacket, dirty Air Force t-shirt, long hair and full black beard (also probably dirty).
The bar itself followed this trend. Although it was too dark inside to give it the white glove test, I doubt that the darkness was due to a shortage of lightbulbs.
I’ll focus on the “restaurant” itself rather than the surrounding bar, although if you need a summary of what kind of place it was just think “Pabst Blue Ribbon tallboys.”
The kitchen of Taco Ninja is an oasis of light in the dismal bar, which is reassuring. The kitchen’s public orifice is a hole cut into a large red door, with a narrow counter attached. A Naruto poster hangs on the far wall, a warning beacon to any women as well as anyone looking for Mexican food. Above the poster, someone has drawn a ninja’s head in sharpie, with the quote “I AM THE GATEKEEPER ARE YOU THE KEYMASTER.” Sort of a mixed message, as I don’t remember any Ninjas in Ghostbusters.
Maybe when they renovate they can put a reference to The Super Mario Bros. Super Show as well.
Note: there is a large sticker on the freezer reading “ACID WASTE”
You’ll notice I didn’t mention a deep fryer. Well, that’s because I didn’t see one. Despite my housemate and I both ordering a deep-fried item, we neither saw nor heard any kind of superheated oil. The chef walked out of my frame of view for a minute, and when he returned he apparently had two chimichangas. I’m still not sure about how that happened. If you see me in David Blaine’s next street magic special in a chimichanga-based trick, let me know.
You have two options for your menu. The first is the feltboard on the wall to the right of the ordering window. This is the kind of board they use on the first floor of office buildings where law firms are constantly going out of business. The white letters stuck into the board have become yellowed with age and barsmoke, and although they cheerfully announce that tonight’s chef is “Ninja X” I have a hard time reading anything from them but a message of low funds and even lower expectations.
Your second option for a menu is the OSU saver lying on the counter, opened to the page with Taco Ninja’s menu on it. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a restaurant that couldn’t afford to print its own menus. Certainly not when they have hired a graphic arts firm to design said menus.
Here I’d like to take a moment to point out where my interest in Taco Ninja was originally piqued. On their menu for the OSU saver, Taco Ninja proudly sets itself apart from the competition with this service:
Image provided by Smith2D2
After eating at Taco Ninja, I have a hard time believing that the Columbus health department’s biggest concern with Taco Ninja is their availability of condoms, but whatever.
The gentlemen taking my order looked like the kind of guys in middle school who would quote the most recent Star Trek movie and then punch you in the shoulder or the chest really hard and so you’d laugh at them pretending it was cool and it didn’t hurt but really inside you’d be crying out of rage and wanting to nail a large spike through the center of his chest and nail him to the wall and just shout at him as he screams.
You know the type.
Hair just long enough to peek greasily out of the back of a painter’s cap. Black t-shirts. Army pants.
There were two of them running the restaurant; one to cook, and the other to take orders and handle money. This system is used almost universally, as it guarantees that you don’t get filthy money rubbed all over your meal. Our orders were taken on scraps of cardboard with a pencil.
While the food preparer was making our food, I saw the money-taker sit down behind a large tub of flour, pick out handfulls of it, and then drop them back into the tub. No joke. This went on for a little while.
I got the impression that running this restaurant was their dream, which I fully applaud much like in American Movie. However, also much like American Movie, the resulting product is completely unusable.
On the way home, my housemate and I had the following conversation.
Me: “I just hope we don’t get violently ill from eating this.”Bob: “I like that you’ve lowered your expectations so that you’ll be happy if we’re not *violently* ill. You sort of take it for granted that we’ll at least be somewhat sick.”
Food
I ordered a chicken gut bomb and some side nachos. Nachos come with salsa. Gut bomb comes with salsa or sour cream, or both for an additional $0.50. I got both. What the hell.
We decided not to eat at the Taco Ninja, because we didn’t want to have to pay to watch some crappy band cover Neutral Milk Hotel songs. So the next part of this review will take place in our apartment.
I thought about grading my apartment’s dining room and ascribing the score and criticisms to Taco Ninja (”garlic butter left open for a week,” “tables covered in garbage,” “oily screwdriver touching placemat,” “Skyy album”), but then thought it would tip the scales in Taco Ninja’s favor.
Let’s get down to business here. The gut bomb is simply a large chimichanga. Supposedly it is a *huge* chimichanga, although I didn’t really notice that much of a difference over my housemate’s “normal” chimi. This is what’s in the chicken gut bomb:
- Chicken
- refried beans
- Mexican rice
- jalapeno chunks
- tomato chunks
- cheese (white and yellow)
- onion
Not immediately gross sounding. However, one of the first things I noticed upon biting into the Gut Bomb was that the chicken was the grayest I’ve ever seen. I don’t mean that they’re using the dark meat, although maybe they are. The chicken is just kind of grey. Brownish-grey. I don’t know. It set a bad tone for eating the rest of the gut bomb.
If you see me in a Buzzkill reunion DVD where they trick people into eating catfood in chimichangas, let me know.
Note: this is an insincere thumbs-up
The tortilla chips were okay… they tasted homemade at least, although that reminded me to be curious about the suspicious absence of a deep fryer in the Taco Ninja kitchen. There was some kind of red powder on some of them… didn’t really taste like much, so I chose to ignore it.
As you may have noticed from the menu posted above, Taco Ninja takes a whimsical approach to their tortilla chips by cutting some in the shape of shuriken. I appreciate the effort, but these fuckers are the sharpest things I’ve deliberately put in my mouth since Kindergarten.
Not to question anyone’s intelligence, because I was certainly mostly responsible for the chips being placed under the crushing force of my palate, but perhaps someone should have thought of this possibility when they were DESIGNING CHIPS AROUND SHARP POINTY THINGS.
A few bites into our chimis, my housemate and I sat at the table silently chewing. I broached the delicate topic first.
Me: “Does the chicken taste like fish in yours?”
[munch munch, munch munch]
Bob: “Yes.”
[munch munch, munch munch]
Bob: “Yes, and I’m glad you brought it up, and not me.”
The chicken Taco Ninja uses tasted more like tuna than the tuna used by Ugly Tuna. It was everything tuna should be: savory, delicate, and juicy. It was even the right color for buffet-style tuna salad.
Taco Ninja does not have a menu item using fish.
Chicken should not taste like fish.
THE LAST WORD
$4.00/$9.00 = 44%
JimL2: well, at least I’ll die doing what I loveTracey: Good call.
JimL2: vomiting my guts into a toilet in some dingy bar
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on Monday, November 13th, 2006 at 12:43 pm and is filed under Dining.
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- None Found
November 13th, 2006 at 1:20 pm
Jim, You have outdone yourself this time! I would have given up after finding the Bourbon Street and taking one look. What a scary looking dump! Inside and out! If there is a worse place to eat in Columbus, I’d be shocked.
Did you ask about the condom offer?
Let us know if medical attention is needed.
p.s. Excellent photo work…
November 13th, 2006 at 1:58 pm
At last! Confirmation by someone else besides me! My order was also taken on a ripped off chunk of cardboard. hah!
Oh and you are lucky you didn’t get a lot of that “red dust” on your nachos. That stuff is nasty and coated mine!
November 13th, 2006 at 2:10 pm
In my best Kenneth Blackwell impression, I’m formally withdrawing my nomination for Ho Toy as the worst restaurant in Columbus.
PS. I hear Taco Ninja offers 10% off if you present your NAMBLA card upon ordering.
November 13th, 2006 at 2:12 pm
Our bike messenger at work swears by this place. Not sure what he is thinking from the sound of this review. I was hoping it would be good, anything with the word ninja in the title is one step ahead in my book. They actually have an ok website too.
http://www.taconinja.com/
November 13th, 2006 at 2:34 pm
Oh I think everything about the advertising of the place is great. It’s once you get there and see that it’s not all bright and fun like the ads that reality starts to set in.
I had the beef not the chicken and it tasted like Ortega seasoned beef that had been sitting around for a week sucking up the plastic flavor of the tupperware I saw him scoop it out of. <— not a joke
November 13th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
If you look at the picture of the kitchen, you can actually see the cardboard chunks with orders written on them pinned above the “fixin’s bar.”
Sorry Brewmaster… I didn’t have the heart to tell you but I cut Ho Toy out of the running last night when I drew up my three finalists. Sadly, mediocrity can’t compare to non-fish meat that tastes like fish. Maybe next year when the Bourbon St. Cafe has burned down…
Yeah, I’m an optimist too. When I stepped inside the Bourbon Street
CaveCafe, I felt kind of bad because I already knew how I was going to have to spin the restaurant despite their great website. When I started eating the food, I felt significantly less bad (except for my mouth and stomach, which still felt pretty bad). While I appreciate the uniqueness of their concept, there’s nothing quite like disillusionment to create an unbiased opinion.Wait, I have to go look up the word “unbiased,” I might not be using it correctly…
November 13th, 2006 at 3:44 pm
For some reason, I get the feeling this place is kept afloat by stoned/wasted college students.
November 14th, 2006 at 10:17 am
All restaurant reviews should be this awesome. I don’t even care if you have a refined palate that can distinguish subtle flavors or if you yourself can prepare the food you’re criticizing. It’s like you’re the Seanbaby Gourmet or something.
November 14th, 2006 at 6:12 pm
Love the review.
It’s a shame the Taco Ninja is so nasty-shady, because the concept is so hysterical - I’d always wanted Ninja Burger to be real, so I guess at least someone tried, even if they did horribly fail…
November 15th, 2006 at 10:58 am
I can’t believe someone actually ate here. JimL2 and vestanpance are much braver than I. I have been tempted to go on several occasions but the memory of my drunken college roommate standing on the Bourbon Street stage doing her best Karaoke version of “I Hate Myself for Loving You” kept me at a distance.
Bless you Kelly wherever you are. God Speed.
November 15th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
I had to try it………….. was a bad idea.
November 15th, 2006 at 3:15 pm
This review is now the 7th result in google for “taco ninja”… at least that’s where it shows up for my search.
HOT!!! 8)
November 15th, 2006 at 3:53 pm
Excellent review. I recently purchased my first and last chicken Gut Bomb from Taco Ninja, as well, and mine tasted like some kind of tuna as well.
Before that meal, I had no idea that you take one bite of something, spit it out, and still have the shits for two days straight.
Last I had heard, they were planning on opening a new location in Carabar, but it wasn’t there the last time I went in? Anyone know anything about that?
November 15th, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Hmmm, does anyone know how to googlebomb? I refuse to be second to a review that starts with a reference to Proust!
p.s. I think I’m going to edit my review to start with “Baudrillard says that the only thing preventing a copy from being a second original is the differences between the copy and the original. Speaking of which, the only difference between a Gut Bomb before and after it ventures through your digestive tract is that it might be a little chewier beforehand.”
November 15th, 2006 at 6:45 pm
You eat your poop? How weird! :roll:
March 9th, 2007 at 12:38 am
READ MORE
March 9th, 2007 at 4:42 am
From that article:
Did this guy do any fact-checking before he turned this in for print? I don’t claim to be the world’s greatest restaurant reviewer (”World’s Greatest Restaurant Reviewer,” is the exclusive trademark of JimL2 Holdings LLC), but at least I’ve seen enough Godfrey Ho movies to know the difference between a ninja and a goddamn samurai.
Here’s the breakdown:
So there you have it. I hope this has helped to point out why I’m a much better restaurant reviewer than anyone who works for the OSU sentinel. Not only did I manage to present some interesting information about Ashley Blue and why I consider her to be a better performer than Brooke Ballentyne, but I also got to mention a movie where Sonny Chiba breaks into a police station and sticks his fingers through a guy’s vocal cords. And I did it all without using the word “shit.”
Well, not in the title anyway.
March 12th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
The wonders of Campylobacter :o
Maybe the chicken was canned at a dual-use factory that also cans Tuna?
June 21st, 2007 at 9:22 pm
I just heard a rumor that Taco Ninja is shutting down. Anyone else heard this?
:shock:
June 21st, 2007 at 9:44 pm
yeah, I heard the same thing on Monday. No clue if the rumor is true, I don’t really live close to there.
June 21st, 2007 at 10:30 pm
If Taco Ninja shuts down, where the hell am I supposed to get condoms? I can’t walk into a drug store and ask for them, how embarrassing would that be?
Calling a filthy takeout restaurant and having an oily, sleepy guy deliver them along with something called a gut bomb is way more impressive to girls.
Seriously though, I have had more than my fair share of fun at Taco Ninja’s expense, but I will be sad if they close. It’s like shooting the world’s last panda just because it killed your dad.
June 21st, 2007 at 10:39 pm
I don’t think anyone could have said it better.
June 22nd, 2007 at 11:08 am
CU meet up at the Ninja before they shut down!
Just bring your own food…. and disinfectant
October 9th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
The Ninja has been closed fr over a year now. It’s replacement Mr. Peeper’s Pizza has closed too, but currently there is a Hot Dog place there called Extreme Wieners.
October 9th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Any timeframe on when that place will also close?