The hater's guide to Columbus, Ohio (and surrounding areas)

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The hater's guide to Columbus, Ohio (and surrounding areas)

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Started 4 months ago by Walker
Latest reply from RedStorm

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Walker
The KLD / Downtown / Gay Street
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The hater's guide to Columbus, Ohio (and surrounding areas)
By Matt Brown on Jan 21, 4:00p

A few weeks back, former LGHL contributor DJ Byrnes and I were talking on Twitter about the things in Columbus that really irked us. We decided the only way to get the self therapy we so sorely needed was to have an airing of grievances of sorts about the various Columbus suburbs that really got to us.

The following is a tongue-and-cheek, informal power rankings of sorts, for all the things about the C-bus suburbs that bug us. If you're extremely thin skinned, lack a sense of humor, or just like to get mad about stuff on the Internet, this probably isn't for you.

READ MORE: http://www.landgrantholyland.com/2013/1/21/3900590/the-haters-guide-to-columbus-ohio-and-surrounding-areas

Posted 4 months ago #
Walker
The KLD / Downtown / Gay Street
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They kind of lost me with this:

Columbus doesn't really have that. Despite being a fairly big city, an awful lot of Columbus proper is too spread out, or too similar, to have a unique neighborhood pride or feel. What we have instead, are suburbs.

It sounds like these people have never set foot in urban Columbus beyond OSU.

Ah well. Their loss I guess...

Posted 4 months ago #
Rockmastermike
The Bacon District
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that could have been funny, it had some promise, but it missed.

Posted 4 months ago #
Twixlen
The Weston District
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It is weird - because it's pretty much not about Columbus at all. All cities have suburbs, you just have to get far enough outside of whichever city to find them.

They might also want to check out http://www.alteatscolumbus.com if they're going to spend any time in the 'burbs looking for ethnic food.

Posted 4 months ago #
geoyui
West Side
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The whole article was 'meh'. In the comment section from DJ Byrnes (I think). Not sure if they're still trying to be funny or just full of themselves.

There are small, vocal contingencies of people who try to promote the lesser-known but nonetheless cool neighborhoods and events within the actual city of Columbus, but unfortunately most of those who could really put Columbus on the map move to bigger and “better” cities at the first opportunity. (Yes, I realize this is a transparent reference to both Matt and me, who left Columbus in favor of Chicago and Atlanta respectively. And I’d like to think that we’re just the kind of hip youngsters that the die-hard Columbus fans want to keep around.) Thus they leave behind those too poor to go anywhere else as well as those who are content to eat at Applebee’s and return to their Blu-Ray players with Redbox DVDs every Friday night.

Posted 4 months ago #
jbcmh81

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Yeah, I love a good roast, and they prefaced it as such... but then it wasn't funny... at all. It's like they just repeated every last tired stereotype, and not even stereotypes they experienced, but things they once heard about years ago from someone else and are repeating them because they think they're relevant. Yeah, if this is what Columbus is losing, I'd say that's a net positive.

Posted 4 months ago #
M.O.
Columbus
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Limp-wristed roast.

For their next draft:

Dublin (Winner): Ben Roethlisberger has pissed in public there.

Hilliard (Loser): In addition to taking two decades to figure out how to widen just one artery they can't figure out how to run a roundabout for anything. There's a family in Dublin that has spent weeks looking for an elderly family member who disappeared while visiting from India, and he's probably in one of these roundabouts.

Powell Police (Losers): Two traffic stops have ended in fatalities and multi-million-dollar settlements. Officer who conducted a 20-mile solo chase of a suspected DWI from Powell to downtown (fatal crash at Broad & High) claimed her chase training consisted of watching taped episodes of COPS. The big stuff, like not having two feet of cinder block blasted away in the middle of town overnight to facilitate the theft of thousands of dollars in firearms from a large firearms dealership, continues to elude this police force.

Upper Arlington (Winners): They re-arrange their chairs into a big, separate circle at science fairs, etc. so the crowd can see all the obscure corporate awards going to their little spot of sunshine. Of course they're the only school that has applied for the obscure corporate awards.

Westerville (Winner): Buster Douglas trained there and pulled off the greatest upset in sports history.

Columbus (Winner): Bad-ass police force: There's the CPD sniper who shot the pistol out of that guy's hand while he held the intersection of Bent Tree & Snouffer hostage, and the CPD guy who just walked in the back door alone with a shotgun to take out the gunman at Alrosa Villa. Mayor: Often appears inebriated and has trouble with vocabulary during Glenn Beck interviews, but has managed to improve the city immensely.

Columbus (Loser): Coolest message board in town, CU, defaults news links using the site window as a target, replacing the coolest message board in town with rantings of two guys who dislike anybody who can afford more than a bicycle and want pundit cred for it.

Posted 4 months ago #
GCrites80s
5xNW
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Whitehall Wins!

Posted 4 months ago #
RedStorm

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It's a nice idea, but they did such a terrible job. Inside MOSSL soccer jokes? Ok, like 4 people got that one.

Don't understand how Dublin is the poor-man's UA...at least make your satire/sarcasm make sense.

I guess they didn't want to touch Grove City, Worthington, Gahanna, Clintonville, etc. Their beef is with the suburbs though...do they realize those are separate towns/cities? It's pretty apparent they haven't been to the suburbs of the cities they praise for having diveristy (New Orleans, Chicago, Washington). There might not be a "China town" but there are the historic italian, victorian, german, etc. villages, short north...I'm wasting my time because the people on this site know what I'm talking about. Then again, they did give the disclaimer not to take it seriously.

Posted 4 months ago #
mrsgeedeck
Castle of Lions
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I laughed out loud at this
Hilliard (Loser): In addition to taking two decades to figure out how to widen just one artery they can't figure out how to run a roundabout for anything. There's a family in Dublin that has spent weeks looking for an elderly family member who disappeared while visiting from India, and he's probably in one of these roundabouts

I was in Hillard a few years back for a Craigslist ad and got lost in some home development, stopped to ask for directions and the guy had to pull out a map of the neighborhood to tell me where the street was. Such a surreal experience.

Posted 4 months ago #
ChrisSunami
King-Lincoln District
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I don't mind people preferring other places, but it's annoying when people who supposedly grew up "in" Columbus (read, the suburbs), feel free to sound off on the city when it's painfully clear they never even visited it.

unfortunately most of those who could really put Columbus on the map move to bigger and “better” cities at the first opportunity. (Yes, I realize this is a transparent reference to both Matt and me

LOL, this is funnier than the actual article.

I’d like to think that we’re just the kind of hip youngsters that the die-hard Columbus fans want to keep around.

Um, yeah, speaking as a known Columbus die-hard, not so much, kids. Enjoy Chicago and Atlanta!

Posted 4 months ago #
joev
Merion Village
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LOL Atlanta!

Posted 4 months ago #
Coremodels
Really close to Explorer's Club.
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Saw in the comment section people complaining about the use of the word "uptown".

I've lived in Columbus my entire life, and can't think of a single time I've heard someone use that word.

The Upper Arlington thing was pretty spot on with the athletics though, that made me smile at least.

BTW, moving from Columbus to Atlanta is at best a lateral move.

Posted 4 months ago #
Mister Shifter
Lewis Center
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The article is hilarious because everyone that lives in a suburb is affluent racist scum. Gut-busting.

Posted 4 months ago #
ricospaz

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Coremodels said:
Saw in the comment section people complaining about the use of the word "uptown".

I've lived in Columbus my entire life, and can't think of a single time I've heard someone use that word.

The Upper Arlington thing was pretty spot on with the athletics though, that made me smile at least.

BTW, moving from Columbus to Atlanta is at best a lateral move.

I grew up in Uptown Westerville, and it is indeed 'Uptown' not 'Downtown' but who really gives a shit?

Posted 4 months ago #
TaraK
shoe-mocker
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Coremodels said:

BTW, moving from Columbus to Atlanta is at best a lateral move.

That was my thinking.

Posted 4 months ago #
KarmenD

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Coremodels said:

BTW, moving from Columbus to Atlanta is at best a lateral move.

KarmenD said:
+1

Yeah, Atlanta..., Sweet.

Posted 4 months ago #
dubdave00
Dublin
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And I’d like to think that we’re just the kind of hip youngsters that the die-hard Columbus fans want to keep around.) Thus they leave behind those too poor to go anywhere else as well as those who are content to eat at Applebee’s and return to their Blu-Ray players with Redbox DVDs every Friday night.

Wow, self-described "hip youngster", classism, AND a condescending Applebees reference.
Whoa! Tiiiiiger uppercut!

Posted 4 months ago #
RedStorm

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Shawnee Hills (is it Dublin, it is Powell...): Hardcore cops - will arrest you for urinating out back behind the bar. MAKE SURE TO PEE INSIDE!

Easton is a little different, but throw in Polaris and Tuttle, and you're basically starting an outerbelt of malls.

Posted 4 months ago #
Walker
The KLD / Downtown / Gay Street
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dubdave00 said:
Whoa! Tiiiiiger uppercut!

Hahaha! Thanks for making me laugh out loud at my desk. ;)

Posted 4 months ago #