For their next draft:
Dublin (Winner): Ben Roethlisberger has pissed in public there.
Hilliard (Loser): In addition to taking two decades to figure out how to widen just one artery they can't figure out how to run a roundabout for anything. There's a family in Dublin that has spent weeks looking for an elderly family member who disappeared while visiting from India, and he's probably in one of these roundabouts.
Powell Police (Losers): Two traffic stops have ended in fatalities and multi-million-dollar settlements. Officer who conducted a 20-mile solo chase of a suspected DWI from Powell to downtown (fatal crash at Broad & High) claimed her chase training consisted of watching taped episodes of COPS. The big stuff, like not having two feet of cinder block blasted away in the middle of town overnight to facilitate the theft of thousands of dollars in firearms from a large firearms dealership, continues to elude this police force.
Upper Arlington (Winners): They re-arrange their chairs into a big, separate circle at science fairs, etc. so the crowd can see all the obscure corporate awards going to their little spot of sunshine. Of course they're the only school that has applied for the obscure corporate awards.
Westerville (Winner): Buster Douglas trained there and pulled off the greatest upset in sports history.
Columbus (Winner): Bad-ass police force: There's the CPD sniper who shot the pistol out of that guy's hand while he held the intersection of Bent Tree & Snouffer hostage, and the CPD guy who just walked in the back door alone with a shotgun to take out the gunman at Alrosa Villa. Mayor: Often appears inebriated and has trouble with vocabulary during Glenn Beck interviews, but has managed to improve the city immensely.
Columbus (Loser): Coolest message board in town, CU, defaults news links using the site window as a target, replacing the coolest message board in town with rantings of two guys who dislike anybody who can afford more than a bicycle and want pundit cred for it.