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It’s been over 25 years since the Columbus Citizen-Journal folded (Dispatch Printing Company refused to renew a printing agreement and left it to wither & die). Today the Suburban News becomes toast and The Other Paper will at the very least carry fewer stories making fun of Ben Marrison’s hair. (Speaking of which, the above-mentioned C-J once made fun of John W. Wolfe’s hair, according to a story I just made up. Didn’t go well).
Now that DPC has swallowed the last of its printed competitors let’s christen a new thread celebrating the end run around print conglomerates that we’re currently basking in ... the internets, where just anybody can become a citizen reporter, editorialist, or weatherperson ... which I’m about to prove. If enough people contribute and Walker, et al. don’t zap this to We-don't-need-this-kinda-Thing-Land, maybe this can be the new place to make fun of Ben Marrison’s hair.
News Item #1: Today I saw a pale hundred-pound guy riding a fixie in a red kerchief in the Short North. A dapper guy in a suit driving an E-class Mercedes east on Broad west of High (he kept it on the road unlike his compatriot from 1986). Sullivant Avenue near Georgesville: 1976 Ford F150 running Cherry Bomb glasspaks. Hilliard: Jacked Camaro drowning out the church bells at St. Brendan’s. Dublin: BMW 3-series tailgating a Columbus cop, who didn’t seem to care. Powell: A line of black SUVs at the Starbucks drive-thru whose drivers could barely see over the dashboards. Westerville: Acuras and runners. Bexley: Ben Marrison riding a unicycle down North Drexel (his hair looked just fine). Can anybody connect all this? (I can. I drove in a big circle around Columbus today). And that’s the CU Citizen News for today.
Editorial #1: Hey, Columbus: Quit putting up “Share the Road” signs and WIDEN the road. Except for the main arteries we keep repaving the same old farm roads at the same old farm road widths, and bikes and cars mix in perfect white-knuckle, boiling-blood harmony.
Sports News Item #1: Braxton Miller looks like a winner. Luke Fickell is giving better press conferences, and wow, that game last Saturday was brilliant, Luke. We miss you, JT, but let this be a lesson to Fickell and his successors about cooking your own goose to keep the golden goose (in 40 years when the latest Buckeye coach has just signed a $1.2B contract the details of the whole “goose” lesson may be hazy, so refer back to this thread on CU. Even if it’s nothing but a FaceGoogleTumblr cache, at least it won’t be yellowed from bird cages & age). And Go Bucks! Beat Michigan State. (Let’s break-off that stuffy print convention of trying to look unbiased when we are biased. This means we can have late November game recaps headlined “Michigan S*cks,” maybe even without an asterik).
Lifestyle Item #1: Germany is beautiful during the winter holidays. Get a six-pack of Spaten Optimator and visit via Google Earth. The beer cost enough already, and that’s the only reason you were going to Germany anyway. Danke me later.
Business Item #1: That new Wendy’s burger is great. Needs to be named Dave’s H&J or DT’s Hot & Juicy, pick one ... ick, otherwise. Whoppers are better some days. Graffiti Burgers are good but expensive, and the service is the pits when the owners aren’t around. OK, somehow the Business News turned into the Hamburger News & Views. We’ll tighten this section up as time goes by.
Living Item #1: Dear CU Advice Columnist: I’m in a bad relationship. What should I do? -- Out of Options. Dear Out of Options: Keep writing to advice columnists or seize the day and live life by your own wits. Here’s a little secret: I’ve been dead for 35 years, my sister took over the column until she died in 1992, and a fulfillment agency in India has been writing this column since then. Don’t be fooled by my portrait; I sold the rights to it for perpetuity, which is why my brat grandson is tooling around town in a Ferrari.
Classifieds Item #1: Insert Craig’s List link HERE. (eBay if you want to improve your odds of not being car jacked).
Politics Item #1: They're all full of it. Don't get so worked up.
Entertainment Item #1: Bubble wrap may be a cliche, but it's still more entertaining than Brad & Jen.
Weather Item #1: Scattered showers through the remainder of the week. Crisp fall weather on Saturday for the Michigan State game. Cold front moves in for Thanksgiving and Christmas, snow on December 25th. Thawing to 75 and sunny for the remainder of the year with pop-up thunderstorms and a 100-percent chance of pink flying saucers.
Please add breaking news, opinion, and features as they develop. (Say ... can anybody do cartoons?)
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