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Are you hitting on me?

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Started 2 years ago by sugarplumclarey
Latest reply from groundrules

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sugarplumclarey

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Here's an etiquette question. I'm curious about what Columbusites think regarding social protocol for married folks.

My husband and I often "take turns" going out so one of us can stay home home with the bebe. I love to chit-chat with people, and sometimes find myself talking to strangers at bars.

Is it automatically assumed that if you're out in that kind of atmosphere without your partner, and you're talking to a stranger of the opposite gender (or same if it is a gay bar) you are hitting on them? How do you make it obvious that you just want to strike up a friendly conversation?

When someone approaches you to talk at a bar, how do you know when it's just friendly intentions and when it's more? And how quickly do you bring up your relationship status in order to pre-empt any kind of romantic expectations? Doing so can seem kind of awk and rude, and sometimes you get that "Uhh, I wasn't trying to hit on you, lady, I just wanted a platonic chat" look.

Just curious :)

Posted 2 years ago #
mrsgeedeck
Castle of Lions
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sugarplumclarey wrote >>
Here's an etiquette question. I'm curious about what Columbusites think regarding social protocol for married folks.
My husband and I often "take turns" going out so one of us can stay home home with the bebe. I love to chit-chat with people, and sometimes find myself talking to strangers at bars.
Is it automatically assumed that if you're out in that kind of atmosphere without your partner, and you're talking to a stranger of the opposite gender (or same if it is a gay bar) you are hitting on them? How do you make it obvious that you just want to strike up a friendly conversation?
When someone approaches you to talk at a bar, how do you know when it's just friendly intentions and when it's more? And how quickly do you bring up your relationship status in order to pre-empt any kind of romantic expectations? Doing so can seem kind of awk and rude, and sometimes you get that "Uhh, I wasn't trying to hit on you, lady, I just wanted a platonic chat" look.
Just curious :)

Do you wear a wedding ring? I've had guys that were hitting on my flat out ask about my rings...I realize not everyone is that obvious, but I assume their still thinking it.

Posted 2 years ago #
sugarplumclarey

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mrsgeedeck wrote >>

sugarplumclarey wrote >>
Here's an etiquette question. I'm curious about what Columbusites think regarding social protocol for married folks.
My husband and I often "take turns" going out so one of us can stay home home with the bebe. I love to chit-chat with people, and sometimes find myself talking to strangers at bars.
Is it automatically assumed that if you're out in that kind of atmosphere without your partner, and you're talking to a stranger of the opposite gender (or same if it is a gay bar) you are hitting on them? How do you make it obvious that you just want to strike up a friendly conversation?
When someone approaches you to talk at a bar, how do you know when it's just friendly intentions and when it's more? And how quickly do you bring up your relationship status in order to pre-empt any kind of romantic expectations? Doing so can seem kind of awk and rude, and sometimes you get that "Uhh, I wasn't trying to hit on you, lady, I just wanted a platonic chat" look.
Just curious :)

Do you wear a wedding ring? I've had guys that were hitting on my flat out ask about my rings...I realize not everyone is that obvious, but I assume their still thinking it.

I do wear a ring! It's funny though; only other wedding-ring-wearers seem to notice it. In the very rare instances someone actually is trying to hit on me, I'm always shocked they didn't at least check the ole finger first.

Posted 2 years ago #
Core_Models
Columbus
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As a lifetime bachelor, I can honestly say, I never look/notice wedding rings. If pointed out, I'd certainly respect it, but I just never think to look. I'd also say, if a strange man is striking up a conversation with you at a bar...he's hitting on you.

Posted 2 years ago #
LBOWACC

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Core_Models wrote >>
I'd also say, if a strange man is striking up a conversation with you at a bar...he's hitting on you.

+1

Posted 2 years ago #
jpizzow
580 N. Park St.
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I too have never learned the art of scoping out for the wedding ring. It doesn't even cross my mind. I guess I just never realized that that many married women go to bars without their husbands. It always seems to be one of my friends that says "dude, look at her finger"

Posted 2 years ago #
lifeontwowheels
Highland West
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jpizzow wrote >>
I too have never learned the art of scoping out for the wedding ring. It doesn't even cross my mind. I guess I just never realized that that many married women go to bars without their husbands. It always seems to be one of my friends that says "dude, look at her finger"

Am I the only guy that does look? It helps when I am at work and trying to figure out which of the preschool teachers and counselors I can kind of flirt with.

Posted 2 years ago #
mt448
New Albany
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I have a lot of single girlfriends, so we do look first (I am just the helper). However, I would say that men, in general (not all), do not look. I have been approached with my ring and without. I don't see any issue with having conversations with others in a bar setting (or concert, festival, etc). Talking to someone does not automatically mean you are interested in that person. And @jpizzow, yes, we do go out with our friends and our husbands, both. :) My hubby and I decided from the beginning that it was/is important for us to maintain our own individual lives, as well as our married one.

Posted 2 years ago #
CMH Gourmand
(King of) the (Clinton)ville
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I always look for a wedding ring and have a hard time believing most men or women don't look for that. It only gets tricky when the person is a multiple ring wearer.

I think that wedding rings should be ditched altogether and replaced with ring tattoos, that way you can see how many times a person has been married (kind of like looking at the rings of a tree). I know I steer clear of the person with 4 or 5 marriages as a general rule.

When it doubt if a person is hitting on you - ask.

Posted 2 years ago #
jmak
Gahanna
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I think all you have to do is mention your spouse or kids (if you have any) at some point early in the conversation. If he still thinks you're hitting on him he's either stupid or you're sending out some serious vibes. ;)

Posted 2 years ago #
J.R. Locke
Weinland Park
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I don't know if I qualify for good advice as I carried on a relationship with a married woman for 8 months and in the last year fooled around with two different married women.

Nevertheless be direct, be honest.

A little awkwardness (or rudeness) is better than having a man wonder why he just had a great conversation with someone and she didn't go home with him. See your helping them.

Posted 2 years ago #
Cookie
Flyntonville
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J.R. Locke wrote >>
I don't know if I qualify for good advice as I carried on a relationship with a married woman for 8 months and in the last year fooled around with two different married women.
Nevertheless be direct, be honest.
A little awkwardness (or rudeness) is better than having a man wonder why he just had a great conversation with someone and she didn't go home with him. See your helping them.

OK, if this guy talks to you, he's hitting on you. Hope that helps.

Posted 2 years ago #
Mae
Olde Towne East
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Core_Models wrote >>
I'd also say, if a strange man is striking up a conversation with you almost anywhere...he's hitting on you.

FYP

Posted 2 years ago #
sugarplumclarey

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jmak wrote >>
I think all you have to do is mention your spouse or kids (if you have any) at some point early in the conversation. If he still thinks you're hitting on him he's either stupid or you're sending out some serious vibes. ;)

That's exactly what I usually do - pull out the cellphone and start flashing pics of my daughter or casually mention my husband within the first 3 sentences :) It just gets a little awk when someone legitimately isn't hitting on you. Then you just end up looking like a jerk for thinking that they were!

Posted 2 years ago #
DavidF
Elysium Fields
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It's also possible that they may be hitting on you initially, and then willing to just have a pleasant conversation. In my single days I spent many a night just talking to someone after finding out it wasn't going to "go there." Now that I'm in a relationship, I'm just as friendly and outgoing, I just don't have any ulterior motive.

I don't think it's your responsibility to wave an unavailable sign over your head when you walk into a bar.

It's the journey, not the destination people.

Posted 2 years ago #
Lakee911
Clintonville (South)
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I just like to flirt. It's innocent. Why is that bad?

Posted 2 years ago #
michaelcoyote
!seabus
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I'm with Lakee911 and DavidF. Most guys will figure out on their own that a conversation isn't going to "go anywhere", and can decide at that point that they want to continute the conversation.

BTW I think flirting is a better description for it. Hitting on someone seems to imply that there's an intention for go somewhere. Flirting can be just for fun.

Posted 2 years ago #
jmak
Gahanna
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Lakee911 wrote >>
I just like to flirt. It's innocent. Why is that bad?

Wait, flirting isn't bad. Did someone say flirting was bad? Flirting can't be bad. Please, tell me flirting isn't bad!

Posted 2 years ago #
michaelcoyote
!seabus
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jmak wrote >>

Lakee911 wrote >>
I just like to flirt. It's innocent. Why is that bad?

Wait, flirting isn't bad. Did someone say flirting was bad? Flirting can't be bad. Please, tell me flirting isn't bad!

I don't think it's bad. It's just conversation. You get to figure out where each other is coming from and if either of you want to continue the conversation further (if you're both single and/or looking that is).

ETA: I should point out that you can also just flirt for fun and still continue the conversation if you've met someone you just enjoy talking to.

Posted 2 years ago #
JonMyers
HCMC ✈
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I'm pretty lucky. I have a lot of trust in my relationship and this sort of thing has never come up.

I never really assume that every single female who talks to me is hitting on me and vice versa I don't think every female I talk to thinks I'm hitting on them.

As a result, I have a lot of interesting conversations.

If your intentions are honest, there's no reason to hastily bring it up, though obviously hiding that you're in a relationship is dishonest.

It's always weird when people force it when the issue isn't relevant at all.

I think a lot of times married folk who are out and about without their spouse like to flaunt it as if to say - yeah, yeah that's right I still got it. Especially if they're the type that don't go out much. Perhaps that validation is helpful.

As for looking for a wedding ring? When I was single the thought never crossed my mind even once. I don't think men ever give it much thought.

On the flip side, single types pop the "are you in a relationship" question too fast. I'd use that one with restraint. In fact, I'd pretend you're only allowed to ask that question three times in your life so be judicious and be more creative.

Desperation has a distinctive odor.

This stuff is really all common sense. Be kind and respectful to yourself, your partner and others. You all already know what's right deep down.

Posted 2 years ago #