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April Fools: Columbus Subway System Planned for Launch in 2018

News News April Fools: Columbus Subway System Planned for Launch in 2018
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A joint press conference was held this morning where local and national leaders gathered unveil the new Columbus Subway System — a multimillion dollar project that aims to help connect the Subway restaurants of the densest Columbus neighborhoods with a new integrated system, set to launch in 2018.

“Columbus has always been a car-centric city, but the fact is that many of these urban Subway locations don’t have drive-throughs at all,” said Columbus Mayor Michael B. Coleman. “There’s no reason that the 15th largest city in the country shouldn’t provide multimodal fast food options for Columbus residents and visitors alike.”

The Columbus Subway System will help hungry customers navigate quickly between Columbus Subway locations (stations), which includes both franchise and corporate operations.

“A public-private partnership like this is the perfect way to Eat Fresh™,” said Subway Spokesman Jared Fogle. “And I’m pleased to add that the Columbus Subway System will also become the nation’s first test market for our new growler service, where Subway fans can take home a full 64 ounces of our signature sauces in sealable, refillable glass jugs. The debut growler offerings include our Sweet Onion Chicken Terriyaki sauce and the brand new French-Ranch ‘Franch’ Dressing.”

“Please drink responsibly,” he added.

The Columbus Subway System is scheduled to to be voted on at an upcoming Columbus City Council meeting in May. Once approved, local project administrators will collaborate with state officials for the application of federal funding through the US Department of Sandwiches (US-DOS). While some funding has already been earmarked for projects like this one by healthy food coordinator First Lady Michelle Obama, local project managers anticipate some challenges in working with the current state administration.

“The whole thing is a huge boondoggle,” said Ohio Governor John Kasich. “There’s no reason for the government to fund trains of any kind. Anyone who likes trains is an idiot!”

Below is a preliminary map of the Columbus Subway System, though project coordinators have said that as many as 200 new Subways could be added along these preliminary lines prior to launching in 2018.

For more information, visit www.ColumbusSubwaySystem.com.

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10 Responses to April Fools: Columbus Subway System Planned for Launch in 2018

  1. rdmeeker
    rdmeeker April 1, 2013 2:01 pm at 2:01 pm

    Whoa! There’s no Subway between 13th and the Convention Center? Come on, Short North, get it together.

    Also, I don’t care if all the cars smelled like the inside of an actual Subway restaurant, this would still be a better solution than our current train-based system.

  2. stephentszuter
    stephentszuter April 1, 2013 2:06 pm at 2:06 pm

    *grumble grumble*

  3. geedeck April 1, 2013 2:15 pm at 2:15 pm

    Remember kids, together, we can all just say no to April Fools.

  4. johnwirtz April 1, 2013 2:16 pm at 2:16 pm

    LOL. We need to extend the “system” to the airport.

  5. Pablo
    Pablo April 1, 2013 2:16 pm at 2:16 pm

    What about the Subway on Town and 3rd or the one at Broad and Young? Someone obviously didn’t think this one through…. ;D

  6. Walker Evans
    Walker April 1, 2013 2:53 pm at 2:53 pm

    @Pablo – it’s preliminary. We can always add more subways. ;)

  7. 6a
    6a April 1, 2013 3:04 pm at 3:04 pm

    Psssh, forgetting about the West Side, as usual.

  8. Jeftrokat
    Jeftrokat April 1, 2013 4:00 pm at 4:00 pm

    The Kasich quote wasn’t a joke.

  9. chuckpatterson April 1, 2013 4:41 pm at 4:41 pm

    Funny thing…just this past Friday I was talking to a guy that works in the tunnels under Columbus. We lamented the fact that the city never had a subway system. This April Fool gag was very well timed!

  10. mbeaumont April 1, 2013 9:17 pm at 9:17 pm

    God, you guys have outdone yourselves this year. Hilarious! :)

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