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    April Fools: Cleveland Announces Plan to Export GOP Convention to Columbus

    With only three and a half months to go before the Republican National Convention takes place in mid-July, the City of Cleveland has begun to get cold feet about the whole ordeal. Originally viewed as a big win when Cleveland was selected as the host city in mid-2014, the city has soured on the idea of being home to what is now anticipated to be full-blown chaos.

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    “Look, 2014 was like a completely different era in American history,” said Cleveland Mayor Frank Jackson at a press conference held early this morning. “We had no idea this thing was going to turn into the ticking time bomb that it has become.”

    With several event sponsors pulling funding, party frontrunner Donald Trump promising riots, and signatures mounting for attendees to carry concealed guns to the convention, Cleveland officials have decided that the pros of hosting no longer outweigh the cons.

    “Originally we saw this event as a prime opportunity to shine a spotlight on Cleveland and showcase the rebirth of our magnificent city,” continued Jackson. “But if our city is filled with riots, and looted and burned to the ground, then what’s the point?”

    Instead of being held at the Quicken Loans Arena, Cleveland event planners are recommending that the Republicans move the event “just down the street” to Nationwide Arena in Columbus where it can occur a safe distance away from the city.

    Columbus was originally one of the top finalists named to host the event before losing the bid in April 2014, but local officials who first courted the event no longer want it here either.

    “You know, I think Cincinnati wanted to host it too,” said Mike Brown, VP of Strategic Development at Experience Columbus. “Plus, we already made plans for PromoWest Fest the weekend before the convention, so a lot of the city will be hungover after three days of partying — and nothing makes a throbbing headache feel worse than listening to riots going on right outside your house.”

    If a suitable replacement venue can’t be located soon within one of Ohio’s major cities, the large-scale event may have no other choice but to operate from the outdoor Legend Valley Concert Venue and Campground, where it will overlap with this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos.

    For more information, visit www.gopconvention2016.com.

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    Walker Evans
    Walker Evanshttps://columbusunderground.com
    Walker Evans is the co-founder of Columbus Underground, along with his wife and business partner Anne Evans. Walker has turned local media into a full time career over the past decade and serves on multiple boards and committees throughout the community.
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